Thursday, February 3, 2011
i don't exactly know how to explain it but there are some moments late at night when my son has woken up for whatever reason it may be and he's laying on my chest asleep while i rock him(even though he's almost longer than the length of me when he's all sprawled out now) in my great-grandmother's rocker...that i just feel completely at peace....it's like i'm whole again...a part of me has been missing and with him on my chest and my stomach...that part of me is back...when he's not with me he's in my thoughts...i have so much respect for women who give there babies up for adoption...i can never imagine giving up this person who you lived with, felt , provided for, fell in love with! over 10 months...i remember when i was pregnant people saying to me oh just wait til you see that face you just fall in love instantly! and thinking but i already love him...but every day i get to know this amazing little person better i fall more and more in love with him...you went through hours of pain like you've never known before, to bring them safely into this world...and because you love them you would not take one bit of any of it away...and in that case you love them so much that you want to give them what you know you cannot...i can't imagine it...so much respect! every day i see this scar on my stomach...some days feel the pain it brings...and i remember..i remember hearing the most amazing sound i will ever hear...that first cry...and the peace and sheer joy...and i remember the fear i felt during the surgery after Ben and Hunter were gone...and praying over and over again that i would be there for my son and husband...i could see that sweet face and hold him...that's all i wanted...i can't imagine looking at that scar and then not looking at that sweet face and seeing what it was all for...i don't know where this is coming from i was just thinking about it...alot of respect! i cannot wait to do it again!!! if i was rich i would be barefoot and pregnant! i just cannot wait!! it will be a while before we have another baby...with school and work and moving etc...but oh how i wish!! and i know it sounds weird but i hope i don't have a girl...lol...because i got my husband to agree to 4 if by 3 we haven't had a girl yet...so little girl up in heaven you need to come last!! ya hear me Miss Molly!