I am just so in love with this little boy it almost hurts! he's already changed so much...his little face is filling out and with every new day it feels like a bit more of his personality appears...i feel like slowly i forget about the traumatic experience i had having him and i guess i must have had a bit of the baby blues for the first few weeks because i feel so different and peaceful now...i mean it will take me a bit to get the nerve up to have more kids but don't get me wrong i would go through every ache, pain, and fearful moment a thousand times over without a second thought just to get him here safely...i'm not sure why i had the experience i did and even the trouble i had after but i guess with every new thing you go through you learn...i feel like i've grown and am even i guess more prepared to be there for this baby boy....it is such a miracle to me and honestly hard to believe sometimes that this time last year it was just me and ben and now we have this new member of our family who has little parts of both of us that we get to see as he gets older...i've never felt more blessed than i have these past few days...and if i'm completely honest i was scared that first week that i wouldn't get here, to this place...i was dealing with so many emotions...regret, guilt, sadness, happiness, anger....i mean don't get me wrong at all...i loved my son and was so happy he was here...i wasn't disappointed with him at all...if anything he was more than i could have expected...i was angry with myself...i felt like i let everyone down...let myself down...i felt weak...i was angry that i couldn't physically take care of him on my own...i couldn't pick him up and walk with him in the beginning...the day he was born i couldn't even hold him on my own sitting down...my arms were too weak from shaking for so many hours...i was angry that the fact that the first moments after my son was born...this moment i had been hoping and dreaming about for months, if not years since i was younger....were spent not rejoicing but thinking that i was actually not going to make it to see my little boy...the minute he was born and i heard him cry i automatically felt tears of joy but then i felt as though i was going to die...i'm not trying to be dramatic i'm just being honest...i've never felt that way in my life...i remember laying there on the table(ben was over with the baby) praying that i would live to take care of this little boy...it was three hours after this that we both were finally together in our room...i know for a fact that God was in that room as well as with us before...it's amazing to me that my baby stayed so strong...his heart rate remained strong and i'm so thankful that the c-section was done when it was because it petrifies me to think what could have happened if a different route would have been taken...anyways i've gotten off on a deal...i won't go into the whole story here but i am very thankful for God's grace and that he was with us...i'm finally starting to feel like a normal person again and like i can do everything i need to do...i fall more in love with this little boy everyday and am just so thankful we were given such a good baby...he's so strong and sweet all in one...i can already tell he loves to cuddle and when you talk to him he will look straight at you with those deep eyes he got from his dad....he trys to talk and will get so mad when not too much comes out right now...he has some serious attitude which i have to admit just makes me laugh...i am so in love with my son and thankful for the rollercoaster this past month has been...didn't think thankful would be the word i would have used but it is...i'm thankful and blessed and can't wait to watch this baby grow and develop into who he's going to be;)
