Thursday, February 3, 2011


i don't exactly know how to explain it but there are some moments late at night when my son has woken up for whatever reason it may be and he's laying on my chest asleep while i rock him(even though he's almost longer than the length of me when he's all sprawled out now) in my great-grandmother's rocker...that i just feel completely at's like i'm whole again...a part of me has been missing and with him on my chest and my stomach...that part of me is back...when he's not with me he's in my thoughts...i have so much respect for women who give there babies up for adoption...i can never imagine giving up this person who you lived with, felt , provided for, fell in love with! over 10 months...i remember when i was pregnant people saying to me oh just wait til you see that face you just fall in love instantly! and thinking but i already love him...but every day i get to know this amazing little person better i fall more and more in love with went through hours of pain like you've never known before, to bring them safely into this world...and because you love them you would not take one bit of any of it away...and in that case you love them so much that you want to give them what you know you cannot...i can't imagine much respect! every day i see this scar on my stomach...some days feel the pain it brings...and i remember..i remember hearing the most amazing sound i will ever hear...that first cry...and the peace and sheer joy...and i remember the fear i felt during the surgery after Ben and Hunter were gone...and praying over and over again that i would be there for my son and husband...i could see that sweet face and hold him...that's all i wanted...i can't imagine looking at that scar and then not looking at that sweet face and seeing what it was all for...i don't know where this is coming from i was just thinking about it...alot of respect! i cannot wait to do it again!!! if i was rich i would be barefoot and pregnant! i just cannot wait!! it will be a while before we have another baby...with school and work and moving etc...but oh how i wish!! and i know it sounds weird but i hope i don't have a i got my husband to agree to 4 if by 3 we haven't had a girl little girl up in heaven you need to come last!! ya hear me Miss Molly!

Sunday, January 9, 2011


So even though my baby boy is 8 months old and usually a great sleeper(12 hours a night)....last night(i wrote this last night actually but my son woke up before i could post it) was not one of those nights...230am, i hear him, i go in pick him up and we sway....he's decided he's over being held like a baby so he lays down on my chest...we're swaying, i'm thinking he'll just go back to sleep...then all of a sudden my hand feels wet and my stomach begins to feel've got to be kidding me?!?! this was the second time that night he had an overflow diaper...and at the longest(except for when he's sleeping) he gets changed every 2 hours so it's not like we let him sit in the same diaper forever...he had been sitting in his high chair after dinner and ben had changed him not that long ago...we were cleanin up the kitchen so we left him in the high chair watching us with his sippy cup and a snack...he started fussin a little so i go get him out...i pick him up and he is literally soaked...poor thing!!! i felt awful! i thought he was just fussing because he wanted attention and out of his high chair...i held him out and had ben strip him and run bath water while i went to clean him up a bit and attack that diaper which he had also pooped in...he did have two 10oz bottles that day (plus two more and food and some water) atleast i know he's hydrated! anyways needless to say i was not in the best mood after being peed on at 230 in the child thought it was great! he smiles at me like it's a game...then he decides he's over his bed and screams whenever i try and put him in i decide we'll just sleep on the couch...he falls asleep on my chest pretty quickly but apparently he's going to be that kid with the feet in your face because i swear he could not sit still!!! i got no sleep...i think i finally got him laid down for under an hour in his crib to sleep then back with me on the couch...finally at 730 he woke up for the day...i go in and ask ben to please get up with him because i did not get any sleep last night...he gets up! i love him so much at those moments;-) so i pass out for a few husband informs me when i get up that he went right down to sleep not long after i did...without a single fuss he just laid him in his bed and he went right to sleep...i wanted to slap that proud look off his face...yes he does lay down better for Ben...which i just want to immaturely respond and stick my tongue out at him on that one! OK so skip forward to tonight....i get peed on again!!! he goes down early right before 7 because he's tired from not sleeping great the night before...couple hours later he wakes up(he hadn't really eaten his last bottle)...he downs 7oz rather quickly and then we rock and then he toots very loudly on me and then he pooped...oh wonderful like the 5th one i go to change him, barely have his diaper off, he's all clean, bout to put the clean diaper on and i see him make a face then i look down and realize yep the fountain is up and working! all over my leg and himself and a little on the couch...ben on the other couch begins loudly laughing...really!!! two times...he never even really did that when he was little bitty! oh the joys of having a boy! never thought i'd get peed on and it wouldn't gross me his two top teeth are coming in alot more, you can see them when he's so cute and funny looking...he is of course grinning all over himself while i'm trying to cover him up and start cleaning us both up! he's so proud...he's all boy! oh he also got his first bloody lip today:( Ben was so proud...he was standing at his leap frog table and was bending down to grab a toy on the ground...well he ending up putting his foot on it and slipped and hit the table...he of course began to cry(i was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, ben was out there with him) so i look out to see and ben was picking him up so i finish in the bathroom...ben goes can you get me a towel...i come out asking what happened he starts to tell me...i flip out when i see him and he's got blood on his chin! oh my gosh! I've never seen blood on my baby!!! i automatically wipe his face and start looking to see...he won't let me look in his mouth...he's no longer crying just smiling at his mommy freaking out...i couldn't find a of his teeth must have nicked something when he fell...he could have cared less...i picked him up and he started talking to Ben and grinning....i am out numbered by curious boys who think getting a bloody lip is funny...oh lord help me!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I'm gonna do it!

I absolutely refuse to call this a new year’s resolution because I feel like that’s the kiss of death! Lol although I do have many I have made for myself in my head! Anyways I am determined I am going to write a blog either every day or every other day….about my little man. He is growing so fast and learning new things all the time and he just is amazing! I don’t want to forget these moments! Like today, I swear he refused to say mama the whole time we were out of town but now that we’re home every other word (well I say word it’s his own special language) is mama! Which I mean I love except when he’s whining because he’s just so tired but doesn’t want to miss a thing! And then tonight he was laying on me on the couch and ben was in the kitchen…we were playing and cuddling and I say where’s daddy??? Where’d he go? And he looks almost off the couch grinning into the kitchen…it was the cutest thing~! And he did it every time I asked him! Ha I love that he’s learned who we are and what our names are….sometimes I forget he’s only 8 months old because he’s just so funny and his little personality is so strong! Sometimes I expect him to just start talking to me…the past couple days he’s been very cuddly(he doesn’t feel great because of a cold and teeth so he’s my fulltime buddy)…I’ll wrap my arms around him and he puts his arms around my neck and I’ll kiss his neck then he’ll lean into my face mouth open to give me kisses…I LOVE IT! I literally need a stronger word than love….i mean how sweet is that??!?!?! I gotta admit though I did lose my patience a couple times today…I still don’t feel good and today wasn’t a good day for that…and I couldn’t even walk into the bathroom without hunter following me and pulling on my pant leg…it was just one of those days…and he didn’t really get a good nap at all…but as soon as you look at that face grinning at you crawling towards you can’t help but smile…there is NO SUCH THING as a day off in mommyville…to all of my friends who think I have it easy because I don’t have a “job”…I have a job…it’s 24 hours a day seven days a week and I work holidays! But I am very blessed because I am able to stay home with my little boy! Anyways he is learning so much so quickly…he can move from the couch to the ottoman and will stand there basically by himself but with one hand on the couch just in case…he’s learned how to pick things up off the ground by bending his knees and getting back up…a lot less falling going on now…he is into EVERYTHING! You tell him no and he just turns and grins at you(I am in so much trouble)…if he sees something he’s not supposed to have free where he can get it(we’re still getting used to having to babyproof) he will look around and see who’s watching then grin and crawl like the wind huffin and puffin to get to it while he can…it’s so funny!  He also has his two front teeth and one on the bottom…there broken through but not completely out though….and we think he’s actually getting one of his canines already! I have never seen such big teeth on a baby! It cracks me up! He’s gonna be our little bugs bunnyJ he thinks it’s funny to grab my foot and bite it…not sure bout that one but it’s cute! Ok well I’m sure I will remember more later….but first look at this cuteness!! how can you resist?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

wow how things have changed.... you ever wish you could go back and just slap you a few years ago! cuz I DO! all of my clothes are size 4 and 6.....heck even my maternity jeans are size 6(i bought them at about 3 months before i had even gained any weight just had a pooch....oh my i thought i was huge! there is a slap me moment)....yep i now struggle to get those maternity jeans!! now i'm lucky to fit in a 10....if i'm sounding obnoxious right now...please forgive i finally bit the bullet and went to buy jeans today! with my husband and 6 month old(i so thought i would be in all my clothes and honky dory again when he was this old, but hey these 20 lbs have grown to like me i guess!) well we go in to old navy and i'm looking at some jeans trying to come up in my head what size i should try on...ben asks a sales lady about where things are...she's sweet i tell her what i'm looking for we get to talking...she asks what size i'm looking for....i say "well i was a six before you know(pointing at my adorable baby) i don't really know!" she laughs and goes "oh i totally understand"....i ask about a particular kind i didnt' know about she goes oh these are great! there for women like us...keep that extra junk in!ha (kinda bugged me but hey)....we call them our mom jeans(not old navy, the sales lady and her friends).....i now so badly do NOT want to try these on.....yes i am a mom and it is the best thing i have ever done....but i am 21!!!! i ask now there not you know mom jeans(jesturing just below my boobs) and she goes oh now they just have a thicker panel....blah i grab a pair just in case....she then points to some other racks saying they are on sale but there not really anything i will wear again(ok huh?)....oh and then says or atleast i can't....i am now more than ever determined to try these pants i grab some skinny jeans and a few different options(grabbing a couple sizes i am praying to God do not fit me!)....i go skim the baby clothes....fighting back every shopoholic gene in my body to put away the outfit that is 20 for something he will grow out of immediately....grab him some jeans and a cute sweater and a hat that looks like a mohawk my husband is drooling over....and we make our way to the dressing room(on the way i can hear that music that you hear in scary movies as the girl is walking down the hallway with a bat, you know as you sit there and scream at the screen 'RUN AWAY YOU IDIOT'!) we go in and ben sits down with that look of do i really have to be here....pretty much men are useless when trying on clothes(actually i take that dad is a pretty good shopping companion)....everything looks fine....even when it looks like you just wrapped up two sausages and painted them i tried on everything....the size i was fearful of did not fit...which was very nice! the skinny jeans fit but i finally went with....dun dun dun....the so called mom jeans! they looked best...ben agreed...let me clarify they are not the jeans from that SNL skit....they do not go up to my waist....they just aren't so low you see my butt crack! i felt soooooo old!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Just one of those days...

You have all these expectations for'll do this and that and it will all be wonderful and you have those rose colored glasses on...let me start out by saying i am incredibly blessed...i have a wonderful husband who loves me(and whom i love) and a beautiful baby boy...but i've just had a kinda depressed sorta day! nothing bad has happened just in a bugs me because this is not me! i would much rather walk around with my rose colored glasses on and smile and ignore the bad and just pay attention to the good! but i'm just not feelin good right now...i wish all of my laundry was always done and folded and ironed and put away! but even as soon as you get everything done there is always that little pile that sneaks up out of nowhere! ha you know you have expectations for yourself and then when you don't fulfill them perfectly it just kinda bugs you! i want my menu to be planned out for the week(as well as all the coupons printed), all my dishes to be clean all the time, my base boards to be cleaned, floors spotless, sheets clean and ironed, closets organized, toe nails painted, lol etc etc...but then Hunter wants to be held and i'm sorry(actually i'm not and i never will be) i will drop whatever i'm doing and go sit and kiss my little man...So everything else can wait...i have no clue where i'm going with this i just have no interest in going to bed right now so i just thought i'd write...and it's not really going anywhere...oh well here's to randomness!;)

Thursday, November 4, 2010


So um when you have a baby alot of your life becomes about your changing mushy diapers, you see your stomach and you think mush(i mean it's getting better[it even looks flat again sometimes] but boy honey that was not a fun surprise to see! i mean they deflated the good year blimp and it is attached to your body!), baby food(which by the way can actually sound good but the second you see it or smell it it ain't so pretty!) and it's even prettier coming back out!(did i just go too far? oops!), oh sometimes your brain even goes to mush....ha i am by myself and i suddenly realize i am talking to myself in babytalk! lol yes my little man is my best friend...he's my little buddy...i love having him with me! but i may need to talk to an adult a little more often:) oh and then there is the good mush...little squishy mushy cheeks...both sets! i love love all his mush and i must say i squeeze and tickle and kiss him all the time! once he can talk he'll probably tell me i drive him crazy! well anyways Hunter is growing like a weed and so so smart! i love watching those chunky fingers grabbing for stuff...he can crawl/scoot now! and almost full on crawl! he can get up on all fours but he just kinda shakes and sometimes lunges forward....he also learned to spit!haha which may sound stupid but its so funny! well anyways(i think i say that too often, pardon me) that's all for now...oh i also can't sleep my son's room is too far away for my liking and i am constantly worrying about him...ugh so when i write these it will probably be late!

Friday, September 24, 2010


My world....well my world is getting more and more upside down! So if you know me you know that Ben broke his ankle and leg pretty badly over a year ago...he's had quite a few surgeries since then and in August he got two more screws out of his leg and scar tissue that had formed scraped out of his ankle(nasty huh?!)....well now that those are gone he can feel the remaining screws....SO now unless his therapy miraculously works in the next couple months...there will be yet another surgery to remove the screws and plate....and he's on his second term of limited duty...well apparently if you have to go on 3 terms of limited duty you get medically if i have not bored you too much and your still reading it means we might be getting out sooner than we duty is up nov 21 and then we'll know i guess....our world is going a bunch of different directions and i'm trying to figure out which way to go...i had every intention of having my degree by the time he got out and then i would work and he would go to school....but our plans haven't exactly ever gone the way we planned...i got pregnant and school was put on the back burner...i have every intention of going back to school...but it's hard when all i wanna do is spend the day with my little boy...but hey life ain't easy! i decided to be a CNA(certified nursing assistant)...not what i had planned but on the way there....i can take a class all day and then study and take the certification test...i can get experience and then hopefully get my RN and then get my BSN while all my friends and people i graduated with are about to graduate college i'm could take me 10 years i don't know what will come in my path next...but i will do to sum it up...we have no earthly clue what is going to happen next year....heck we could be back in memphis by this time next year....don't know....i've also been on an emotional thing because we still haven't found a church to connect too....i've never not gone to church continuously! it's almost been two years....i'm determined to visit as many as possiblet to finally find one....once you get out of the habit it's hard....
ON A LIGHTER NOT....i'm so over this mopy mess ....Hunter is such a boy! oh my goodness....he was sitting in his chair and he would grunt and fart and then smile with glee and laugh...ben thought this was hilarious! which only egged him on!(ok i laughed too)....he also has started to try and crawl....he doesn't exactly get the concpet yet thought which is kinda entertaining....he can totally get his upper body up like straight arms up....and he can get his butt all the way in the air...just not both at the same time! ha he lays his head down and will straighten his legs and get his butt up... and then get mad because he's not moving...i'm waiting for him to just get up and go...he's so close!:) he's very tough too...Ben could not be more proud...he totally has bonked his head and then i get him up and he just smiles and talks like what's wrong with you lady?! i'm very overprotective...but i can't help it! so we think he is just so smart...but he does gag himself with his own fingers and then continue to chew on them....those are his blonde moments...hey he's my son he's got to have them every once in a while:)