wow how things have changed....

....do you ever wish you could go back and just slap you a few years ago! cuz I DO! all of my clothes are size 4 and 6.....heck even my maternity jeans are size 6(i bought them at about 3 months before i had even gained any weight just had a pooch....oh my i thought i was huge! there is a slap me moment)....yep i now struggle to get those up...my maternity jeans!! now i'm lucky to fit in a 10....if i'm sounding obnoxious right now...please forgive me...so i finally bit the bullet and went to buy jeans today! with my husband and 6 month old(i so thought i would be in all my clothes and honky dory again when he was this old, but hey these 20 lbs have grown to like me i guess!) well we go in to old navy and i'm looking at some jeans trying to come up in my head what size i should try on...ben asks a sales lady about where things are...she's sweet i tell her what i'm looking for we get to talking...she asks what size i'm looking for....i say "well i was a six before you know(pointing at my adorable baby)...now i don't really know!" she laughs and goes "oh i totally understand"....i ask about a particular kind i didnt' know about she goes oh these are great! there for women like us...keep that extra junk in!ha (kinda bugged me but hey)....we call them our mom jeans(not old navy, the sales lady and her friends).....i now so badly do NOT want to try these on.....yes i am a mom and it is the best thing i have ever done....but i am 21!!!! i ask now there not you know mom jeans(jesturing just below my boobs) and she goes oh now they just have a thicker panel....blah blah...so i grab a pair just in case....she then points to some other racks saying they are on sale but there not really anything i will wear again(ok huh?)....oh and then says or atleast i can't....i am now more than ever determined to try these pants on....so i grab some skinny jeans and a few different options(grabbing a couple sizes i am praying to God do not fit me!)....i go skim the baby clothes....fighting back every shopoholic gene in my body to put away the outfit that is 20 for something he will grow out of immediately....grab him some jeans and a cute sweater and a hat that looks like a mohawk my husband is drooling over....and we make our way to the dressing room(on the way i can hear that music that you hear in scary movies as the girl is walking down the hallway with a bat, you know as you sit there and scream at the screen 'RUN AWAY YOU IDIOT'!)....so we go in and ben sits down with that look of do i really have to be here....pretty much men are useless when trying on clothes(actually i take that back....my dad is a pretty good shopping companion)....everything looks fine....even when it looks like you just wrapped up two sausages and painted them blue....so i tried on everything....the size i was fearful of did not fit...which was very nice! the skinny jeans fit but i finally went with....dun dun dun....the so called mom jeans! they looked best...ben agreed...let me clarify they are not the jeans from that SNL skit....they do not go up to my waist....they just aren't so low you see my butt crack! i felt soooooo old!

Just one of those days...

You have all these expectations for yourself....you'll do this and that and it will all be wonderful and you have those rose colored glasses on...let me start out by saying i am incredibly blessed...i have a wonderful husband who loves me(and whom i love) and a beautiful baby boy...but i've just had a kinda depressed sorta day! nothing bad has happened just in a mood...it bugs me because this is not me! i would much rather walk around with my rose colored glasses on and smile and ignore the bad and just pay attention to the good! but i'm just not feelin good right now...i wish all of my laundry was always done and folded and ironed and put away! but even as soon as you get everything done there is always that little pile that sneaks up out of nowhere! ha you know you have expectations for yourself and then when you don't fulfill them perfectly it just kinda bugs you! i want my menu to be planned out for the week(as well as all the coupons printed), all my dishes to be clean all the time, my base boards to be cleaned, floors spotless, sheets clean and ironed, closets organized, toe nails painted, lol etc etc...but then Hunter wants to be held and i'm sorry(actually i'm not and i never will be) i will drop whatever i'm doing and go sit and kiss my little man...So everything else can wait...i have no clue where i'm going with this i just have no interest in going to bed right now so i just thought i'd write...and it's not really going anywhere...oh well here's to randomness!;)

Mush!

So um when you have a baby alot of your life becomes about mush.lol....ha your changing mushy diapers, you see your stomach and you think mush(i mean it's getting better[it even looks flat again sometimes] but boy honey that was not a fun surprise to see! i mean they deflated the good year blimp and it is attached to your body!), baby food(which by the way can actually sound good but the second you see it or smell it it ain't so pretty!) and it's even prettier coming back out!(did i just go too far? oops!), oh sometimes your brain even goes to mush....ha i am by myself and i suddenly realize i am talking to myself in babytalk! lol yes my little man is my best friend...he's my little buddy...i love having him with me! but i may need to talk to an adult a little more often:) oh and then there is the good mush...little squishy mushy cheeks...both sets! i love love all his mush and i must say i squeeze and tickle and kiss him all the time! once he can talk he'll probably tell me i drive him crazy! well anyways Hunter is growing like a weed and so so smart! i love watching those chunky fingers grabbing for stuff...he can crawl/scoot now! and almost full on crawl! he can get up on all fours but he just kinda shakes and sometimes lunges forward....he also learned to spit!haha which may sound stupid but its so funny! well anyways(i think i say that too often, pardon me) that's all for now...oh i also can't sleep my son's room is too far away for my liking and i am constantly worrying about him...ugh so when i write these it will probably be late!

unpredictable

My world....well my world is getting more and more upside down! So if you know me you know that Ben broke his ankle and leg pretty badly over a year ago...he's had quite a few surgeries since then and in August he got two more screws out of his leg and scar tissue that had formed scraped out of his ankle(nasty huh?!)....well now that those are gone he can feel the remaining screws....SO now unless his therapy miraculously works in the next couple months...there will be yet another surgery to remove the screws and plate....and he's on his second term of limited duty...well apparently if you have to go on 3 terms of limited duty you get medically seperated....so if i have not bored you too much and your still reading it means we might be getting out sooner than we thought...limited duty is up nov 21 and then we'll know i guess....our world is going a bunch of different directions and i'm trying to figure out which way to go...i had every intention of having my degree by the time he got out and then i would work and he would go to school....but our plans haven't exactly ever gone the way we planned...i got pregnant and school was put on the back burner...i have every intention of going back to school...but it's hard when all i wanna do is spend the day with my little boy...but hey life ain't easy! i decided to be a CNA(certified nursing assistant)...not what i had planned but on the way there....i can take a class all day and then study and take the certification test...i can get experience and then hopefully get my RN and then get my BSN online...so while all my friends and people i graduated with are about to graduate college i'm here...it could take me 10 years i don't know what will come in my path next...but i will do it....so to sum it up...we have no earthly clue what is going to happen next year....heck we could be back in memphis by this time next year....don't know....i've also been on an emotional thing because we still haven't found a church to connect too....i've never not gone to church continuously! it's almost been two years....i'm determined to visit as many as possiblet to finally find one....once you get out of the habit it's hard....
ON A LIGHTER NOT....i'm so over this mopy mess ....Hunter is such a boy! oh my goodness....he was sitting in his chair and he would grunt and fart and then smile with glee and laugh...ben thought this was hilarious! which only egged him on!(ok i laughed too)....he also has started to try and crawl....he doesn't exactly get the concpet yet thought which is kinda entertaining....he can totally get his upper body up like straight arms up....and he can get his butt all the way in the air...just not both at the same time! ha he lays his head down and will straighten his legs and get his butt up... and then get mad because he's not moving...i'm waiting for him to just get up and go...he's so close!:) he's very tough too...Ben could not be more proud...he totally has bonked his head and then i get him up and he just smiles and talks like what's wrong with you lady?! i'm very overprotective...but i can't help it! so we think he is just so smart...but he does gag himself with his own fingers and then continue to chew on them....those are his blonde moments...hey he's my son he's got to have them every once in a while:)

Motherhood

Motherhood is........

1.  learning the deepest love imanginable and seeing that love grow everyday
2. being beyond excited at the simplest actions
3. a smile melting your heart no matter what your mood
4. going through an immense amount of pain and knowing you would do it a thousand times over for the same outcome
5. seeing a miracle
6. trusting in God in a whole new way
7. never getting bored of talking about your little one even though everyone else most likely will
8. seeing a whole new side of your husband and loving them in a whole new way
9. knowing someone from the moment they were concieved and loving them
10. being puked on, peed on, pooped on and still laughing when you see that smile
11. giving up your 'freedom' and not even caring
12. knowing you would do anything if it would save your child any kind of pain
13. crying at the drop of a hat!
14. missing someone when they're in the same room with you
15. never not worrying
16. feeling a sense of pride over the most amazing gift
17. getting to watch someone learn everything with such excitement
18. looking forward to each day for the surprises it may hold

...i have more but i don't want to make these too long....i was just thinking about this today....i don't think i could ever understand this before Hunter was born...i keep telling myself i'm crazy because i can't wait to meet our next baby...but i really want him to be able to be a baby for as long as possible and get to spend time with him and only him...people used to tell me just wait til you have kids you won't want that many even more! well i do!! i can't wait...yes the beginning is hard but now it is just so much fun and i have never felt so much joy!
well that's all for now...i promise not all my blogs will be mushy! ha whoever is reading don't give up on me! i guess i'm in a mushy place right now;)

i mean just look at that face! how can you not be in love! i just love kissing it!

how sweet is this?!

smiling at his mommy:)

Amazed;)

I am just so in love with this little boy it almost hurts! he's already changed so much...his little face is filling out and with every new day it feels like a bit more of his personality appears...i feel like slowly i forget about the traumatic experience i had having him and i guess i must have had a bit of the baby blues for the first few weeks because i feel so different and peaceful now...i mean it will take me a bit to get the nerve up to have more kids but don't get me wrong i would go through every ache, pain, and fearful moment a thousand times over without a second thought just to get him here safely...i'm not sure why i had the experience i did and even the trouble i had after but i guess with every new thing you go through you learn...i feel like i've grown and am even i guess more prepared to be there for this baby boy....it is such a miracle to me and honestly hard to believe sometimes that this time last year it was just me and ben and now we have this new member of our family who has little parts of both of us that we get to see as he gets older...i've never felt more blessed than i have these past few days...and if i'm completely honest i was scared that first week that i wouldn't get here, to this place...i was dealing with so many emotions...regret, guilt, sadness, happiness, anger....i mean don't get me wrong at all...i loved my son and was so happy he was here...i wasn't disappointed with him at all...if anything he was more than i could have expected...i was angry with myself...i felt like i let everyone down...let myself down...i felt weak...i was angry that i couldn't physically take care of him on my own...i couldn't pick him up and walk with him in the beginning...the day he was born i couldn't even hold him on my own sitting down...my arms were too weak from shaking for so many hours...i was angry that the fact that the first moments after my son was born...this moment i had been hoping and dreaming about for months, if not years since i was younger....were spent not rejoicing but thinking that i was actually not going to make it to see my little boy...the minute he was born and i heard him cry i automatically felt tears of joy but then i felt as though i was going to die...i'm not trying to be dramatic i'm just being honest...i've never felt that way in my life...i remember laying there on the table(ben was over with the baby) praying that i would live to take care of this little boy...it was three hours after this that we both were finally together in our room...i know for a fact that God was in that room as well as with us before...it's amazing to me that my baby stayed so strong...his heart rate remained strong and i'm so thankful that the c-section was done when it was because it petrifies me to think what could have happened if a different route would have been taken...anyways i've gotten off on a deal...i won't go into the whole story here but i am very thankful for God's grace and that he was with us...i'm finally starting to feel like a normal person again and like i can do everything i need to do...i fall more in love with this little boy everyday and am just so thankful we were given such a good baby...he's so strong and sweet all in one...i can already tell he loves to cuddle and when you talk to him he will look straight at you with those deep eyes he got from his dad....he trys to talk and will get so mad when not too much comes out right now...he has some serious attitude which i have to admit just makes me laugh...i am so in love with my son and thankful for the rollercoaster this past month has been...didn't think thankful would be the word i would have used but it is...i'm thankful and blessed and can't wait to watch this baby  grow and develop into who he's going to be;)

FOOD!

ok so i'm a little bit of a fat kid....i love love love food! i just don't get how health freak people do it! i would go nuts if i couldn't eat what i wanted and no butter, no salt, no fun! ask my hubby i am the ' butter queen'! i mean yes i use olive oil sometimes....but i'm more of a paula than a giada!( if you don't watch food network then that makes no sense, i'm addicted to food network)...oh and did you know that jelly beans are fat free and actually have a itty bitty bit of vitamin C in them?! i read that today....made me feel better about the bag i bought;) oh and m&ms with peanut butter are Umazing!! i just ate some and i'm really wishing i had the king size bag now! yummm there all gone now :-(whoever decided to put peanut butter and chocolate and caramel and chocolate together were absolute geniuses! i love them! i don't know them but i love them! yep absolutely no point to this but i love food so i figured i'd write about it! bu bye!

Overwhelmed and Crazy!

ok so i am officially feeling crazy!! there is just too much to do! first we decided to have people over this saturday as our last thing at our house before the baby gets here...yep that thought was officially stupid...what in the world? i'm 9 months pregnant and i'm gonna have a bunch of people and some children over to my house! that involves cleaning, cooking, dealing with people all over my house and watching to make sure children don't get into things they shouldn't and then the next day cleaning up everything! Also, i just finished one research paper for one of my classes tonight and i'm supposed to have a rough draft for my other class ready to turn in  tomorrow! needless to say that ain't gonna happen! oh can i mention my child has been trying to kill me today?! oh my gosh he dropped even lower so i have had almost constant sciatic nerve pain whenever i try and walk today and he had something(i'm assuming his butt) lodged under my rib cage making me feel like i was just waiting to hear a crack for like 2 straight hours! not to mention these lovely "practice" contractions have been making an appearance more and more! and because he's bigger they are just so comfortable!! let me tell ya! oh and i ordered some packet about working at home...just to make a little extra money while i'm staying home with my baby and it got here and i have an appt tomorrow at 1 to talk to someone about it....i have to have all the info gone through by then too...oh oh and to continue my whining...i have a humongous pile of laundry just waiting on me in my bedroom....and a couple boxes of baby things still to go through! also his bed is all set up, sheets clean, etc but his cradle which will be in our room doesn't have a mattress yet! i need to go and buy things to make something for it! oh my goodness did i mention nine months friday(if not more, i've always thought my doctor was a week or two off) and every day i feel more and more ready to have him!!! so in the next two days i need to do this home business stuff, write my research paper, clean my house completely, and shop and figure out what to have food wise on saturday! oh oh and also i have turned into such a wheeping mess...it drives me crazy! i swear someone could say boo and i would puddle! i am officially nutz!

Awake, so why not!

So it is 1:31 am to be exact! yep i no longer sleep...and well i'm thinkin maybe it's good, i've definitely gotten used to it...ya know by the time i become that exhausted, haggard new mom?! So today was just one of those days....ya know the ones where at one point you want to completely slap someone across the face and then another you could burst into tears and become a weeping mess...oh how lovely i felt today!
so i went on my labor and delivery tour today! how fun does that sound? oh and i also got to go alone because ben had to go to physical therapy...i had to hold my irrational hormones from getting ahold of my tongue over that one...i don't like walking around by myself places anymore...i feel like i have a big sign on me that saying hey big ol' pregnant lady here....stare and wonder! oh and possibly touch! i thought that we would just go to the L&D floor and they would show us around...WRONG...we meet in the OB clinic...which just going there make my blood boil because of the doc appts or lack there of that i have had there...ok so me and the other group of preggos and a few lucky husbands are off...so yes i am not a nice person i have realized that...at least i'm not in my head sometimes....one girl was barely looking pregnant but she looked so cute with her little outfit and constant smile i couldn't even be annoyed by her...another wore capris, and then ankle socks with her slip on shoes...ok can we say pet peeve?! and then there was another girl who was cute and made me atleast not feel like the "lone whale"(she was not a whale but atleast looked as pregnant as i did)...another who i didn't believe was pregnant til she sat down and started rubbing her itty bitty belly...and then she would randomly grimace as the kid kicked her...i really wanted to yell "honey, you've got a misquito bite for a belly how in the world can you be in enough pain to grimace...let's switch babies for a while...you might be in the floor if you think that's bad!"...did i mention the i will slap you mood?! ok wow sorry that was long...so we barely leave the clinic and she stops us in front of the main doors!! are you serious!? and then talks loudly about this is the main desk blah blah blah...as people are walking around us and looking...so i stare at my phone and remember I HATE TOURING PLACES! so then we barely walk again and she shows us the admissions office...really that's what that is? the big sign in front of it did nothing for me! ok so we finally get to go the the elevators and go to teh postpartum floor....halelujah...we get on and one of the girls who has a stroller with a little girl with her gets one last...the doors close and she goes oh yeah she hates elevators...the kids starts screaming!!!! seriously?! you obviously know where everything is you just did this the kid isn't even 2! she doesn't pick the kid up nothing...just lets us all enjoy the ride! oh wow sorry i'm really not trying to be a witch....just can't help it sometimes! ok so i'll try and finish this up we tour the postpartum rooms(can we say claustrophobia?!?!? even if i can't spell it) and then the labor and delivery rooms(surprisingly nice)....so then the lady goes ok well i have a video for y'all it's only about 30 min...yahoo! gotta love educational television....so we start the video and ok no naked women screaming this is manageable...it explains everything anyone who has done any reading already knows...and interviewing moms etc...then it's starts talking about crowning and delivery and bam! without warning....crotch shot!! hello i do not want to see that!!! "and this is what this looks like!" oh my i didn't ask!!! so then they proceed to show the buck naked women(can someone please explain to me why she didn't even have a gown or bra on? i mean you know people are filming you!) have her baby...i'm sorry if this offends i know it is the 'miracle of life' and it is amazing, which it is....but there is nothign beautiful about that! no one should be subjected to seeing that! if they bring one of those stupid mirrors in when i'm having my baby i might go ahead and kick someone in the head...i'm already feelin it, i don't need to see it! ok?! oh oh oh and can i please mention this was a video made in the 80s! that makes it like 20 times different....grooming was a little different then! ok so anyways yay! the white-covered, gooey, goblin-looking child is born(don't deny it you know what i'm talking about, yes babies are beautiful but they look like little goblins right after they're born)....ok so i think there not gonna show anymore of that....WRONG...hello placenta....wow i might have gagged a bit...i've become nauseous again the last few days...and the end....aw happy new family...woman still naked....SO there is my L&D tour story...i know you wish you could've been there!!

Being a "Grown-Up"

How did this happen??? life changes so quickly sometimes it takes the breath out of me! it's so crazy to think that 2 years ago all i had to worry about was what i was gonna do tonight and when my next test was...NOW! i have laundry to do, dirty dishes in the sink, a car in the driveway that needs to be fixed(because it committed suicide randomly a few weeks ago) so we can sell it and then sell my husbands truck to reconfigure our car situation with a baby, a nursery to finish and so so much to clean and organize...oh and i still have a research paper to finish for tomorrow night! and i can't sleep at night...this little boy will be calm and just kinda hang out throughout the day and then at night he KILLS me! i was up until 4 or 430 am because i just couldn't go to sleep through it...i would doze off and right when i was about to be asleep he would push with all his might against my ribs...wow what a story that would be to hold over his head for the rest of his life...not the oh well when i was in labor with you for 36 hours and yada yada yada but well when i was pregnant and YOU CRACKED MOMMY'S RIB! so i can't sleep at night and therefore end up waisting my day because i'm so tired! ugh....and my husband has had to work so much he can't honestly help with too much of it and i completely understand! so anyways there it is....i'm gonna go fix myself dinner cuz my hubby is on duty AGAIN! for the umteenth time....seriously i'm thankful he broke his leg...first and foremost he isn't deployed right now and will be here for the birth of our son and second we actually got to spend time together!!! if he hadn't i'm pretty sure i would have spent the majority of our first year of marriage alone...joys of military life:) please don't get me wrong...i mean i love love love my husband to death and am so thankful i get to be a mommy to this preciuos little boy(even if sometimes i would like to evict him right now!)....and i really wouldn't change a thing about my life...i mean i've learned something from every experience and all the "things" ben and i have had to deal with throughout this year have only helped us....two weeks before our wedding he found out he wasn't getting his leave he requested months beforehand and might not even make it to our wedding...i mean we went from being married and him being gone almost the entire time, to the awfulness of him breaking his leg and then we were together literally 24/7 for months and months...and then i found out i was pregnant! oh my goodness...and i'm proud to say we still laugh together almost everyday and he is absolutely my best friend...through the trials you build up strength...i mean we have the reassurance that whatever life might throw at us we can make it and struggle through it together...yes we're still learning but how old are you when you stop learning??? hey atleast this year hasn't been boring! went from this.....

to this....hey somthings different....

.

completely in love and oblivious to what all was coming......

he hated being up in front of all those people...doesn't he look terrified? hah i love this picture

i think i would have laughed in your face if you had told me these next two pictures were gonna be where we were at on our first anniversary!

everything happens for a reason...and i whole-heartedly believe this little boy was meant to be a part of our life right now....

Not so graceful!

So I'm not even really sure what this blog is going to be about! i guess whoever decides to read this will have to deal with the randomness that is my mind lately....hey i'm 8 and a half months pregnant i'm lucky it works at all! and sometimes is doesn't...ask my husband the simplest word can absolutely escape me! So as i said in the "about me" thing i just had my first wedding anniversary and i'm also expecting my first baby...so needless to say this first year has been crazy and surprising! oh also if one sentence has nothing to do with the one in front of it, sorry, if you talked to me in person it would be the same thing!

So i am just so completely done! i mean don't get me wrong i am so thankful for this blessing in our life and
that i am in fact able to carry him! BUT having said that....i'm so over this! i'm done....
~waddling!
~looking completely ridiculous getting in and out of my car
~being fat....not so fond of it!
~getting out of breath from picking a sock off the floor
~oh also just realized i don't have any warm weather clothing that fits me!
~HIGH HEELS...oh how i miss my shoes....they just sit there lonely, not  being worn!
~feeling like a turtle that's been flipped over if i'm laying on my back(oh how this entertains my husband)
~oh and sorry if this is "innappropriate" but boobs...i mean come on they should not be at your chin and
the letter E should be nowhere in my wardrobe!
~not being able to bend or twist
~not being able to stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes without feeling like my son will literally fall out or he starts head butting me!
~this little boy is so so strong...he kills me now when he moves or stretches(sorry little man there is no more room!)
Anyways, there is my little vent for the day...even if no one reads this i feel slightly better just typing it! oh and here is my fear for the day(well month)....i can totally see me walking by myself in walmart or something and my water breaking( i know this is highly unlikely)...then i will have to waddle all the way to my car through the store looking(soaking wet) as if i have peed my pants...i can just totally see something like that happening to me! oh the things people don't tell you about pregnancy...seriously all people tell you is how wonderful and amazing it is...which is is but i mean come on ladies! everything unattractive that can happen to a person, can happen to you when pregnant! i even read somewhere you can grow hair on your face! (this has not happened to me, thank you jesus!) i mean how cruel every inch of you is already expanding daily and then you can spout chin hair! seriously! God has such a sense of humor!